Why Your Kids Aren’t Listening: The Truth About Communication, Discipline, and Setting a Better Example

 Children need adults to teach, guide and support them as they grow and learn but why is it that every time I say NO, my baby bursts into flames? Usually, it starts with them asking "Kwa nini?" And one thing I have learnt quite painfully as most of my fellow mothers would relate, telling them "It's because I said so" is the worst mistake any parent would ever commit. Before you vehemently descend on me, hear me out. Most of the time this response slides quite easily from our tongues. If you don't know better it will seem an easier option as an answer instead of the whole trying to explain debacle. Right??..... WRONG!!

But why does this happen? I find it more as a curiosity issue in a child and quite sincerely they don't understand negation. For example "Don't hit your sister" sounds more like "hit your sister" to our adorable munchkin's ears, because it is usually what they end up doing since their developing minds don't really understand negation. Instead, how about we try positive statements which turn out to be more productive.

The Parenting Mistake You Don’t Realize You’re Making.

This is more in the context of violent-free communication. Apparently saying "NO" to a toddler can be taken as violent by them, urging us to find alternative ways of getting our messages across that do not require us to us the word "NO".

Negation is one of the most important concepts in human language, yet our little spawns have a hard time grasping negative statements during the early stages. This is uncanny since "NO" is among the first and most important words children learn. However, it is understandable because even adults do have a hard time processing negative statements compared to positive ones.

Positive Communication Strategies: How to Talk to Kids So They Listen and Understand

1.Clear and Respectful Communication: Talking With Kids, Not At Them

• Keeping Rules Simple and Clear: Setting Kids Up for Success - Children thrive on structure, but overly complex rules can be confusing and frustrating. Keep expectations simple, specific, and age-appropriate to ensure they understand what’s expected. Use positive language—rather than saying “Don’t run,” try “Please walk inside.” Reinforce rules consistently and explain the reasons behind them to encourage cooperation. Visual reminders, like charts or checklists, can help younger children remember household rules. When rules are clear and easy to follow, kids are more likely to develop self-discipline and make responsible choices.
• Say What You Mean: Clear Communication for Better Understanding - Children need direct, simple communication to understand expectations and instructions. Avoid vague or contradictory messages—say exactly what you mean in a calm, firm tone. Instead of "Be good," say "Use kind words and share your toys." Use age-appropriate language and check for understanding by asking them to repeat what you said. Nonverbal cues like eye contact and gestures can reinforce your message. When kids receive clear and consistent communication, they feel more secure, listen better, and develop stronger comprehension skills.
• Showing Children Respect in Conversations: Building Trust and Stronger Bonds - Respectful communication with children fosters confidence, trust, and emotional security. Listen attentively when they speak, maintaining eye contact and acknowledging their feelings. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their thoughts—validate their emotions with phrases like "I understand you're upset. Let's talk about it." Speak to them with the same courtesy you expect in return, using "please" and "thank you." When children feel heard and respected, they are more likely to communicate openly, follow guidance, and develop healthy social skills. - Praise in public; correct in private.
• Apologizing to Kids: Modeling Accountability and Respect - Apologizing when you make a mistake teaches children responsibility, humility, and the importance of making amends. Instead of brushing off errors, acknowledge them with sincerity—“I’m sorry for raising my voice. I should have spoken calmly.” This shows that everyone, including adults, is accountable for their actions. Explain how you’ll do better next time and encourage children to do the same. When kids see apologies as a sign of strength rather than weakness, they learn to take responsibility for their own behavior and build healthier relationships.

2. Leading by Example: Teaching Kids Through Actions

•  Leading by Example: How Your Actions Shape Your Child’s Behavior - Children learn more from what you do than what you say—your behavior becomes their blueprint. Whether you're speaking kindly, handling frustration, or expressing joy, they observe and imitate your reactions. Model positive communication by treating others with respect, managing emotions constructively, and practicing patience. Show them healthy ways to handle anger and disappointment, such as taking deep breaths or talking through problems calmly. When children see you navigating emotions and relationships thoughtfully, they develop strong social and emotional skills that will serve them for life.
• Encouraging Children to Set Good Examples for Each Other - Children naturally learn from their peers, making positive role models within their circle essential. Encourage siblings and friends to support and uplift one another by demonstrating kindness, sharing, and problem-solving together. Praise and reinforce positive behavior—“I love how you helped your friend just now!”—to make kindness and responsibility rewarding. Teach them that their actions influence others, fostering a sense of leadership and accountability. When children see good behavior in their peers, they are more likely to adopt and continue those positive habits.
• "Catch" Kids Being Good: Reinforcing Positive Behavior - Children thrive on positive reinforcement, so instead of only correcting misbehavior, focus on recognizing and praising good actions. When you see them sharing, being patient, or using kind words, acknowledge it immediately—“I love how you helped your little sister!” This reinforces desirable behavior and encourages them to repeat it. Be specific in your praise to make it more meaningful. By shifting attention to what they’re doing right, you boost their confidence, strengthen their self-discipline, and create a more positive parent-child relationship.

3. Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution: Helping Kids Navigate Challenges

• Teaching Kids to Resolve Conflicts Peacefully: Building Strong Communication Skills - Helping children handle conflicts in a calm and respectful way fosters emotional intelligence and problem-solving abilities. Teach them to express their feelings using "I" statements, such as "I feel upset when...", instead of blaming others. Encourage active listening by having them repeat what the other person said to ensure understanding. Guide them in brainstorming fair solutions and making compromises. Model peaceful conflict resolution in your own interactions, showing that disagreements can be handled with respect. Reinforce positive behavior by acknowledging when they successfully resolve conflicts on their own.

• Correcting Misbehavior with Guidance: Teaching Kids Right from Wrong -Discipline should be a learning experience, not just punishment. Instead of harsh corrections, guide children toward understanding their mistakes and making better choices. Use calm, clear explanations to show why a behavior is inappropriate and offer alternatives. Encourage self-reflection by asking, "What could you do differently next time?" Model problem-solving and accountability by admitting when you're wrong and demonstrating how to make amends. Positive reinforcement, such as praising efforts to improve, helps children internalize values and develop self-discipline.

• Fostering Independence in Decision-Making: Empowering Kids to Make Smart Choices - Helping children develop independence in decision-making builds confidence, critical thinking, and problem-solving skills. Encourage autonomy by allowing them to make age-appropriate choices, such as selecting their clothes or planning a weekend activity. Guide them through decision-making by discussing possible outcomes and consequences, rather than dictating solutions. Teach problem-solving strategies by asking open-ended questions like, "What do you think will happen if you choose this?" Praise their efforts, even when mistakes occur, reinforcing that learning from experience is valuable. By fostering independent thinking, you raise confident, responsible children who can navigate challenges effectively.